Second Chances and New Romances
by TrainToAlaska
Summary: Future fic. Meredith is trying to make amends with her daughter Alexis who had just become a mother herself. How will she do it and how is Esposito involved? Don't worry there will be plenty of Caskett!
1. Chapter 1

**Ok, this story is a bit of a response to other fics I read where Meredith is almost portrayed as the anti christ, I felt like she had the right to tell her story. Don't worry though, Caskett will be in this story more than plenty. Also this ship might be a bit strange for you but I promise it'll work. I already have the second chapter ready so if people enjoy this I will continue. If it's not i'll just go on with my other fics :) thanks for clicking and I hope you'll enjoy the story! Remember this is a future fic!**

* * *

Loud thumping music vibrated through the nightclub. Dancing bodies effortlessly moving to the rhythm of music that she didn't really understand anymore. She could see her drink move in sync with the beat and sighed. She had hoped coming to one of the most happening place in New York could at least feel her a bit young again but seeing all those teens, well more like early-twentiers, only made her feel older.

She shook her head, her red hair dancing on her shoulders as she took the last sip of her overprized martini, placing the glass on the sticky surface of the bar as she grabbed her purse to go. Suddenly a large hand was placed on her shoulder that made her look up

"You're going already? I just wanted to buy you a drink" the handsome Latino looking guy said that was attached to the hand on her shoulder. Before she could respectfully decline the man his face changed from a flirty smile to confusion and then to realization "wait I know you" he said.

She frowned too, digging her brain "I don't think I know you, though. Maybe from TV I play-"

The man shook his head "no, no, no not that. Wait, I promise this is not a cheesy pick-up line"

She smiled at his honesty until his brown eyes widened "wait aren't you… Meredith? Richard Castle's ex-wife and Alexis' mother?"

The smile on her face evaporated as she bowed her head "um, yes"

"I am Javi, I work with Castle's wife at the precinct. She's the captain"

"Oh I think Alexis mentioned you, yes" she answered awkwardly, trying to just get away.

"Wait don't go, I need to congratulate you," he said all smiles again as he stuck out his hand for her to shake "even though you look way too young to be a grandmother"

Meredith huffed as she shook his hand, her pale hands with perfectly manicured nails a contrast to his big rough hands.

"That's why you are in New York?" he asked, barely audible.

"Yeah, I got in late so I decided to visit them tomorrow" she answered simply.

"Well the baby is stunning," he said, a twinkle in his eyes "the red hair"

Meredith smiled "just like her mother"

"-and grandmother" Javi winked.

Meredith laughed, she kind of liked this man. He was different than the ones she mostly met or falls for "are you flirting with me Detective?" she asked, raising her perfectly filled in eyebrow.

His smile became even wider and he shrugged "I'm single, and seeing you here alone I guess you are single too so what's the harm?"

"Well that you are friends with my ex-husband and his wife?"

Javier just shrugged. He didn't seem to have a problem with it and the more she thought about it the less she did too so she hummed, contemplating if she should stay or go before he interrupted her thoughts

"So you want that drink?" he almost shouted, trying to get over the thumping sound of the nightclub.

Meredith smiled. _Oh what the hell why not_ , she thought

"I'd love too, but not here" she shouted back, grabbing her purse.

Javi nodded "that's fine with me, _grandma_ "

He looked so smug after that joke but there was an innocence behind it that it didn't bother her. Meredith stuck out her finger, poking his chest "stop calling me that or you can forget about that drink" but her frown quickly changed into a smile as he held up his arms in defense. _His big strong arms_ she thought before shaking her head, ridding herself of her thoughts.

"Ok, ok I promise. Let's get out of here!"

* * *

"You must think I am a horrible person" Meredith said as she hid behind her drink, another martini, only a little less overprized than the previous one.

"Why would I think that?" Javier answered who was sitting in front of her. He had a big glass beer in his hand that was already half empty. The foam still present at his upper lip before he removed it with his tongue.

They chose an obscure late night bar that gave them more opportunity to talk as the volume of the music was considerably lower.

"I'm sure you've heard stories about me?" Meredith said as she took a sip. She was a bit surprised at his lighthearted response.

"Stories is a big word. I've heard stuff, yeah, but there are many sides to every story" he said and shrugged.

She slowly nodded "I guess"

There was a pregnant pause before Javi took the initiative to talk again "hey, we don't have to talk about this. We're both adults just looking for some company, no need to get heavy, right?"

Meredith smiled at the friendly man in front of her. She liked him. He actually seemed to care and the way he licked his lips didn't went unnoticed "I just realized I never told anyone my side of the story" she said with a half-hearted smile.

Javier raised his eyebrow "why not?"

She shrugged "I never wanted to ruin to image that people have of Rick, or the image Alexis has of him. Who am I to do so?"

Javier reached for her hand, gently squeezing it in comfort "because you matter too, everybody does."

She smiled "you are a good man"

Javier shook his head and huffed "I am nothing special"

"Yes you are, you are willing to listen to me without asking for something back. That rarely happens in LA"

"Well to be truly honest when I saw you at the bar I might have had other intentions" he joked.

Meredith giggled "yeah, ok. But we can't it's… too weird, remember?"

Javi slowly nodded "yeah I guess… but it's almost Christmas and in the spirit of; we could share our stories and then just part like the strangers we are?"

Meredith smiled and nodded as she quickly drank the remaining bottom of her drink, feeling the burning liquid slide down her throat "I'd like that but first," as she held up the empty glass "I really need another drink"

"It was actually great when Rick and I met, we were young. Not looking for something serious, you know. He had just broken up with Kyra who he thought was the love of his life and I just wanted to have fun. We had this amazing connection that was purely sexual but, like you know, I got pregnant"

Javier nodded "yeah, Alexis is the well-know product of it" he joked.

Meredith huffed "yeah, yeah…" she said waving her hands, already feeling the alcohol set in "but I was in full panic. I was way too young. I hadn't even thought about having children in the future and then there I was clinging onto a pregnancy test in a random diner's bathroom"

She felt silent tears roll down her cheeks as she quickly wiped them away with the back of her hand.

"I told Rick about the pregnancy and also told them I made an appointment at the abortion clinic."

Javier's eyes widened "I didn't know"

Meredith bowed her head "yeah, and Rick, he agreed with me."

Javier couldn't even imagine the Castle he knew today would agree to it. Not that he was against it or anything but it felt out of character to the man he got to know over the years "but what changed? I mean it's obvious you didn't went through with it"

She shrugged "he told his mother and she had told him that even though he _himself_ was an accident she never loved anyone as much and that she never regretted her decision to keep him"

"So he changed his mind?"

"Yes, and he had fallen to his knees. Begging me to reconsider. Asking me to marry him, to raise this baby with him. He told me he would take care of it so I could still do the things I wanted, still have the career I desired… he made it sound so _perfect_ that I cancelled my appointment at the clinic and we went for it. And don't get me wrong I never regretted my decision. I love Alexis"

"But?"

"But, since the moment I said 'yes' to keeping the baby and his marriage proposal things changed, he changed… It was never us again. Never like it was before. I was in his eyes only this maternal thing and I felt so unloved, like I was only this vessel to his baby, like he was just sitting out his time with me until I gave birth"

"But you guys married?"

"Yeah and it was a _huge_ event. He had already made money from his books and when I think back maybe we just had this big wedding to conceal our real feeling towards each other, like we couldn't run because there were so many people waiting for us to show up"

Javier nodded as he took a gulp from his beer. Trying to take it all in.

"Then I realized that I never really loved him. He was always good to me, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't _love_ " she said with a weak smile "but damn he loved my growing belly"

"And then she was born"

"Yes," she answered with a faint smile "we found out I had to have C-section because she was breech. Rick was there when they opened me up and he cried holding her for the first time, told me how he never felt like that and I was just… I felt bland. The squirming little thing that was later placed in my arms didn't rattle up all these amazing feelings everybody promised me I would have, and I tried my best to conceal it. Like I was on this cloud. But Rick. God he was so in love. He did everything from then on. Which was relieving at the time. I couldn't even manage to breastfeed or bond with her and I was so sore. She only stopped crying in his arms, and whenever I changed her it was never good enough for his standards, he always redid things. Whenever I fed her it was wrong. They were a team and I; I, just was left out. And the worst thing is… I became jealous of my own baby"

"But you're the mom"

"But I never felt like the mom, I didn't feel the overwhelming sense of love. My therapist later told me I had a untreated case of postpartum depression"

Javier nodded "oh that makes sense," and softly smiled "I've helped a lot of people who suffer from PTSD, you know people from the army, and the only thing that works it to talk through it. That's how it helped me"

Meredith paused and took in the man before her "Look, Javier, I am not trying to say I did the right thing. I know I haven't and I am still ashamed. But Rick, he ignored me, didn't pay any attention. He just gave his credit card to keep me calm and after a while I… I just took on the role of the loud spoiled brat who only cared about shopping and trips to Paris," And sighed "meanwhile I kept auditioning for roles, where I met this producer who was so kind and giving. At that point I did anything to get attention. And this producer…he really seemed like he cared about me, giving the attention I craved so much from my husband and I… I slept with him. Started this affair,"

She took another sip from her drink closing her eyes for a second "secretly hoping Rick would just catch us and all of this was over"

"And he did catch you guys, right?"

"He did. He immediately filed for divorce and wanted full custody of Alexis, I think he wasn't even heartbroken. I think he was relieved to have an excuse to file for divorce"

Javier slowly nodded.

"You have no idea how much I loved her, how much I still love her. But I had no idea how to be a mom and he and Alexis were a team and he was so good with her. I cried all night before agreeing to the full custody he wanted. I felt not worthy of my child and… and I left. I just needed to be gone"

Javier frowned "I never knew…" the shock evident on his face.

Meredith hid her face behind her hands, suddenly she had an overwhelming sense of shame "look this is a mistake I am ruining the image of a good friend of yours, I shouldn't have said anything" as she quickly stood up, wobbly on her feet from the alcohol.

"No wait, please sit down," Javier said as he stood up with her "Castle is a good friend of mine but that doesn't mean you're not important as well. Don't you feel better now you've talked about it?"

Meredith slumped back down in her seat "I do, and he truly is a good man and a great father, and what I heard from Alexis he is also great with his new kids"

Javier sat back down too, a little closer to her "yeah, I am the one of the godfathers, they are the cutest" he said with a proud smile on his face "but tell me, if you don't mind me asking, if this is how you felt, why do you keep playing that role of the 'I only care about shopping' act. Why don't just come clean and-"

"Because I don't want to confuse Alexis. She loves her father more than anything. I don't want her to think this is his fault," she said, pulling her hair from her face "or worse that she thinks it's _her_ fault"

"But now she blames you"

"I don't care. As long as she is happy. I tried to stay out of her life. Hoping she would forget about me or that I could just play the role of the fun 'aunt' that comes by and leave her be. But it is starting to ache now. It really does. Especially now that she has a child of her own"

"But she will understand Meredith, it might take a while, but she will, it won't stop her from loving her father or you"

Meredith sighed "but how? I have no idea how to… I don't have the right to upset her life, _again_ "

"Of course you do, like you said, you _are_ her mother and maybe you have a second chance now with your new grandchild"

"I think Kate will be a better and the more obvious grandmother"

Javier shook his head "she will of course be a part of this baby's life, no denying that. But _you_ are the grandmother, Alexis is _your_ daughter and I think you should just go for it"

"You really think so? Don't you think she is gonna hate me?"

"She won't, I don't hate you. I think you are brave"

"I am the least brave person there is" she said, the thought laughable, while shaking her head.

"You're not! You gave up full custody because you thought it was the best for your daughter. That must have been the hardest decision ever"

"But it was the wrong one"

"Maybe, but you didn't know that at the time"

"You are way too good to me. I have been a horrible mother"

"Call it the Christmas spirit," he said, his speech started to get a bit slurred "you have the chance to make things right before it's _really_ too late"

Meredith smiled as she wiped tears from her cheeks

"You think I can be honest to them?"

"I am sure. It might be hard right now but in the long run…" Javier leaned over, folding his hands as he took a deep breath "look my dad was never around. Left me with my mother. And no one ever bats an eye at that, you know, when the father leaves but when the mother does it, it is the biggest sin. I wish my dad was brave enough to own up to me."

"God, I feel like an idiot now"

"Don't, just do it. Not just for yourself but for Alexis and that new grandbaby of yours and also for me" he said smiling.

Meredith kept on wiping her tears from her cheeks and smiled back at him "thank you, handsome stranger"

They looked at each other, both knowing their conversation was over and stood up. It was a bit awkward. Just shaking hands was too impersonal for what they just shared so she went in for a hug. His broad frame felt comforting as he held her tight against his chest. She looked up in her eyes, not being able to control herself anymore she stood on her toes as she kissed him, tasting the alcohol on his lips.

He ran his hands through her red locks "Wait," Javier said breaking their kiss "this is not a good idea, remember? We talked about this"

Meredith shook her head "you're right, you're right" she answered as she slowly stood back on her feet.

Javier nodded, his fingers lightly caressing the bare skin of her arms looking into her eyes "but I don't want to let go" he whispered.

"oh what the hell" Meredith responded and pulled his head down for a deep kiss that Javier immediately deepened.

* * *

 **Well this was exciting to write, I promise you the next chapter will have Caskett and a bit of their family life and also the morning after :) pls let me know if you enjoyed and if it's not too weird haha x**


	2. Chapter 2

**Ok, I know a lot of people are a bit thrown-off by the ship (ok that sounds funny) but I promise their relationship will not be the sole subject of this story. Like promised some Caskett family life and I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

"God this was a mistake" Meredith huffed as she sat up in the bed, rubbing her eyes.

"Mistake? I thought we had fun?" Javier smiled as he stretched his limbs, placing his hand on her naked back, letting out a satisfied yawn.

Meredith sighed "we did, and I liked it, _a lot_ ," she said with a smirk, images of their love making flashing by "but what if everyone finds out?" she said rubbing her temples trying to sooth the headache from her hangover "it'll make everything just so much more complicated"

"They won't find out," Esposito smiled, his hand on her back now forming soothing circles causing goose bumps to spread all over her body "remember, we are _strangers_ "

" _Very close_ strangers" she grunted as she grabbed the blanket, draping herself with it like a cloak

"You are suddenly a prude, chica" he joked as he watched her scoot off the bed and picking up her scattered clothes from the floor.

Meredith turned around and smiled " _strangers_ , remember" and made her way into the bathroom.

Javier blinked. Her disheveled sex hair looked like fire in contrast to the white blanket around her shoulders and Javier suddenly felt a jolt _"you can't fall for her, dude_ " he whispered to himself as he picked up his pillow and placed it against the head board so he could sit up more comfortably, pulling another blanket over himself.

"You want to grab some breakfast?" he shouted at her while she was still in the bathroom.

She quickly reappeared, of course in the same outfit she wore yesterday but with less of a bed hair "No I am ok, just want to go to my hotel room and then visit my daughter,"

Javier nodded, trying to hide his disappointment.

"I hope you don't mind I used your spare toothbrush, it was still packaged"

Javier shrugged "no it's yours, I once bought it for my ex"

Meredith raised her eyebrow "didn't really work out I guess?"

Javier sighed and shook his head "no, but she was… yeah well anyway let's not talk about that right now"

There was a pregnant pause as Meredith shifted her weight on her sturdy yet elegant heels

"So strangers, huh?" Javier said softly.

Meredith slowly nodded "it's best, it's too complicated…"

Javier smirked and shrugged "I like complicated, I am a detective you know. I don't just _play_ one on TV like you"

Meredith huffed as she walked closer to the handsome 'stranger' and leaned over to kiss him "thank you, for everything, I mean it" she whispered as she brushed her hand alongside his face. Taking him in for the last time.

Javier nodded with a smile, holding her close by her arms so she couldn't back off just yet. She could feel the sparks within her "you're gonna talk to Alexis?" he asked softly.

Meredith swallowed, blinking a few times "I will" not sounding too convinced, her face still close to his.

"It's going to be fine," he said reassuring "they are good people, I know firsthand" and let go of her arm reluctantly.

She nodded again, softly smiled and turned around. Taking a deep breath before walking away from him. She paused at the open door that lead to the hallway and dug her nails into the wooden frame. Still contemplating if she should just ask for his number.

"Hey, are you ok?" he asked. Hopeful that she would stay.

Meredith turned her head and gave him a faint smile "yeah, just never mind, I have to go. Bye" She quickly walked off as she closed the front door behind her so there was no way back.

* * *

Meredith was standing in front of the closed door to the loft. She shook her head, trying to rid her thoughts of _him._ Her knuckles hovered in front of the door as Javier's encouraging words kept repeating in her head.

When Meredith had called her daughter telling she wanted to visit, Alexis informed her that she was temporarily staying at her father's house. Meredith hadn't asked why, probably so they could help out with the baby, but it complicated it for her as she deep down kind of hated to be witness of the picture perfect family her ex husband had created for himself. And by hating that, she kind of hated herself.

Meredith took a deep breath and finally knocked on the front door of the loft. Of course it was Kate that answered who possessed such a natural unforced elegance to her that even opening a door looked like a dance.

Her green eyes looked questioning for a second before a smile formed on her face "Meredith! Come in!" she said. Kate was eying behind her, probably looking if she hadn't brought suitcases with her after invading the loft the last time she visited.

Meredith smiled and let out a forced chirpy "Hello!" before being quickly welcomed by the sound of a small child wailing.

"Excuse me" Kate said as she jumped up and made her way over to the toddler that had probably fallen off the couch and hit her head. Kate scooped up the child and peppered her face in kisses before the girl stopped crying and giggled instead.

Meredith closed the door behind her and looked around. The house looked lived in, even more so than years ago. Nothing like her LA apartment. There were kids stuff and picture frames everywhere, yet it still looked put together. A family home. But there was no sign of any other people other than Kate and her youngest "where is everyone?" Meredith asked.

Kate rolled her eyes and then smiled "Castle, I mean _Rick_ , and the twins went last minute shopping, aka they are not-so-secretly buying me a Christmas present," she said and slowly shook her head "but Sophie wanted to stay with me" as she cuddled the child to her side who's big blue eyes observed Meredith in silence, tears still staining her cheeks.

Meredith nodded. She honestly didn't really care where her ex-husband was, not that she would say that out loud of course. No, even she had her boundaries. She was going to be nice today "and my daughter and granddaughter?" she asked, looking around the room again.

Kate faintly smiled as she adjusted the toddler at her hip "I'm sorry, but they're just fallen asleep. They'll be awake in an hour or so, I don't want to disturb them right now, Alexis is more than tired, you can imagine why" Kate answered with an apologetic smile.

Meredith heart sank "oh, of course," as she sat down on the couch which was covered with blankets, children's drawings and toys "and her fiancé?"

Kate quickly cleaned up the stuff on the couch with her free hand while holding on to the girl in her other arm who was still softly whimpering from her fall. Embarrassed by the amount of junk Kate tried to create a little more place to sit for her guest "Mark, like you know, is a journalist. He got an urgent call yesterday about a story he had to report on. Hopefully he'll be back on Christmas. Naturally he doesn't want to miss a second of his new daughter," she said with a smile until the realization of her words hit her, knowing it could be a bit of a sensitive subject for Meredith "I mean. You know… proud daddies"

Meredith forced a smile once again "I get it, don't worry" as she rolled her eyes while looking away. They both felt a bit awkward in each other's presence.

Kate let out a deep breath "so, you want something to drink?"

"Coffee would be nice" Meredith said as she sat up more straight, resting her leg over the other.

Kate nodded slowly. She noticed something was off with Meredith. She wasn't her bubbly, sometimes a bit obnoxious, self that she got to know as she went into the kitchen and poured herself and her guest some coffee as she put her youngest and only daughter on the ground.

"Sophie, go play, mommy has a guest"

"Who is she?" Sophie asked.

Meredith who was still sitting on the couch not that far away quirked her eyebrow as she listened in to the conversation between mother and daughter.

"It's Meredith, Alexis' mommy, don't you remember her?" Kate responded

"No," she answered shaking her head, her pig tails dancing "Alexis has a mommy?" the little girl asked with a frown on her face that resembles her mother's.

Meredith felt the color drain from already pale face when she heard the little child talk. Did Alexis really never talk about her? She shook her head and leaned back into the couch which she was convinced was filled with many, many germs and continued listening in to the conversation between mother and child

"Of course she has" she heard Kate say even though she'd lowered her voice.

Sophie quickly accepted the explanation but folded her arms in front of her chest "I wanna stay with you" the girl whined.

Kate sighed. She was tired of taking care of three small children, her husband on a Christmas-high, the occasional infant in the middle of the night and didn't feel like putting up a fight with the toddler.

"Ok, but Sophie, you need to be nice and let the adults talk alright?"

"Alright!" she answered elated and jumped up as she ran to her plush bunny and grabbed it from the ground climbing onto the couch next to Meredith who shifted her weight a bit. She didn't have a lot of experience with small children, the last time being… well with her own daughter and even then she didn't really know what to do.

"Look! This is Buns" the toddler said with a gap toothed grin. Holding the white stuffed thing in front of her face. It clearly was her favorite toy as its fur looked more than worn and it had two different eyes. She presumed someone else replaced it with a button and sown it on. And going by the name it probably once resembled a bunny.

Meredith couldn't help but smile at the child. Her enthusiasm was contagious and those big blue eyes were exactly Alexis' even though her daughter at the time was a lot less fiery as this kid "I remember Alexis having one, a plush animal I mean"

"A bunny?" Sophie gasped

"No it was actually a monkey"

"Oh," Sophie answered a bit disappointed "does she still have it?"

Meredith shrugged "erm, I am not sure"

"Maybe the baby has it now!"

"Sophie, what did I say?" Kate interrupted her daughter before she could 'disturb' their guest more, unable to hold back her laughter "she really is her father's daughter" Kate said apologetically shaking her head and sat down next to Meredith, handing over a steamy mug of coffee as Sophie cuddled into Kate's side. Kate stroked her daughter's dark hair with an adoring smile before focusing back on Meredith.

"So how have you been?" trying to make small talk.

"I've been good" Meredith simply answered and took a careful sip from the brown liquid.

"How's the acting going? I heard you had a regular role on a cop show?" Kate tried again.

Meredith smiled "yeah, I actually play a detective, have you seen it?"

"I don't have a lot of time to watch TV anymore, but I watched some yes… it's hard for me to watch though as it's so different from the real thing"

Meredith's smile fainted and shrugged "well it's TV"

"Yeah of course, of course. I get it, the hours spend just plowing through paper work doesn't make great TV"

Meredith took a deep breath. Kate really tried to have a conversation with her which was actually generous considering she is the ex-wife of her husband. Not many wives talked to their spouse's exes "So do you have tips for me? You know… to give it a little more authenticity" Meredith asked.

Kate blinked surprised "yes, of course. If you want?"

Meredith nodded and glanced at Sophie who's eyes were closed and was breathing steadily "I think she has fallen asleep" Meredith whispered pointing at the girl tucked into Kate's side.

"Yeah, I'll take her to bed. She insisted she didn't want to take a nap but you know how it goes"

 _"_ _No I actually don't"_ Meredith thought but she nodded "um yeah, of course"

"Be right back" Kate said with an apologetic smile and gently pulled the kid from her side and put her over her shoulder. Sophie didn't even stir, her plush bunny held protectively in her small arms.

Meredith nodded and watched mother and daughter leave up the stairs. Being left alone in the big loft, she took the liberty to refill her mug with coffee before pausing at the many picture frames displayed through the house; there were a few wedding pictures where the soft colors of orange and pink from the sunset gorgeously formed the background. It looked intimate. Wholly different than what she had with him. She just realized that she wasn't even sure where those wedding pics of her and Rick were now. Probably in a box stored somewhere.

She stared at the other pictures. The twin boys as babies. Two premies with tubes down their nose held by their glowing mother and father, looking awfully small. Another pic of the twins in their soccer gear standing next to each other, it could have easily been just one of them next to a mirror that's how identical they looked. A smaller picture of Kate with a huge belly, her hands firmly placed on the curve as she laughed at the camera. Baby pictures of Sophie covered in what she presumed was once dinner and one in the baby swing at the park. A family picture including younger looking children, Rick, Kate, Martha and Alexis. Even a few sonogram pictures where one distinctively showed the outlines of the twins. Some older looking child pictures of Alexis being held by her father with her bright red hair sticking out from the background. Picture of Kate as a teenager with her mother and father. A picture of Rick as a six year old sitting on Martha's lap who was wearing some kind of costume and then some pictures of the happy couple that looked like snapshots from holidays she presumed. An unframed picture had been placed against the other frames and was one of her new born granddaughter just a week ago, it hadn't been framed yet. She smiled. She looked just like Alexis when she was a baby.

Meredith picked up the last picture which was a bit tucked away behind the others. It was of a newly born Alexis held by her, well a younger version of herself, still in the hospital. The picture has turned a bit yellow. Meredith breathed out as she traced the form of the squirmy little thing that had been placed in her arms with her thumb. She had smiled in the picture but her confused and sad eyes betrayed her. It made her sick to her stomach. Why couldn't she just be a normal mom? Why couldn't she just love that baby like Kate does which was so evident in those other pictures? Meredith tried to swallow her tears down but one big fat one rolled down her cheek and furiously wiped it away

"Meredith are you ok?" Kate asked seemed to come out of nowhere.

Meredith jumped up as the frame slipped from her hands and with a loud bang fell to the ground. She quickly kneeled down and picked up the frame but the loud noise had clearly awaken her granddaughter in the other room who started to wail "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" Meredith exclaimed as she tried to put the picture back, knocking over a few other frames.

"Hey, hey it's ok! Don't worry," Kate said trying to calm down a now very panicked Meredith "nothing broke, look the glass is still intact" as she helped putting things back into place.

Meredith stared at the worried and confused expression on Kate's face that she only read as pity. She did _not_ want pity and took a hasty step back. Before she could speak again the front door opened and with a lot of noise the twins ran in with a scolding Rick following them, telling them to calm down. Suddenly it was too much for Meredith. Her head was spinning and her brain just screamed that she needed to get out of there.

"Meredith?" Castle said as he saw his ex-wife made her way to the recently opened front door

"I, I got to go," she muttered, pulling on her coat haphazardly and grabbing her purse "I'm sorry I just-"

"Mom?" she suddenly heard through the noise just before she made her way out. Meredith looked over her shoulder where she spotted her daughter coming down the stairs with a screaming bundle in her arms. Alexis had a questioning expression on her tired face "you're leaving?" her voice now sounded accusing as she shifted the baby in her arms, bouncing her gently as a way of soothing her.

Meredith just blinked, her mouth agape "I-, I- need to go" she stammered and quickly got out of there, pulling the door behind her and fast walked to the elevator. Furiously pushing the button to go down. With a ping the doors opened and she almost jumped in. Leaning against the walls trying to get her breathing under control as her head spun.

" _I can't do this_ "

* * *

 **Just a few things.**

 **I would love for the series to show us more pictures just around the loft and stuff tbh.**

 **Also this story has not been beta'd.**

 **ALSO I need to figure out a name for the baby(girl) so leave a review with a name and i'll choose one :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi, I'm back again. I got a lot more positive reviews on the second chapter than on the first and I am glad people are enjoying the story. Also thank you for the name suggestions!**

* * *

Meredith had fled back to her hotel. Every pair of eyes that looked at her on the streets felt like they were judging her. As if they _knew_ what she had just done. Even her cabby driver seemed suspicious, even though he'd probably was just thinking why she was so fidgety and nervous. Her clammy hands fumbled with the keycard but every time she tried to open the door it gave her a red sign. She took a deep breath placing the card back into the lock with a little more patience as she was finally met with a green light and heard the door unlock. She let out a staggered breath of relief and entered her room.

She had just barely closed the door behind her before she hurriedly rid herself of her constraining overprized coat and dress. Dropping it to the ground like it were worthless pieces of cloth. She just needed to breathe. To not have the tight figure hugging fabric around her midsection as she stood there, half naked, leaning against the wall. The frame of the ugly painting poking into her bare skin. She closed her eyes. Cursed at herself as she brushed her hair from her face. A few silent tears escaped that quickly turned into sobs. Her daughter's disappointed voice echoed in her head. The same voice that she heard through the phone after she had to tell her that she couldn't come to her birthday _, again_ , when her daughter was just a child. She had fled. That is what she does when things got hard she just fled.

Meredith huffed. She tried to work through this with her therapist. But when they reached a point into her sessions that got too confrontational, too deep, well… she fled too. Just didn't show up anymore. Even after her therapist had called her over and over to just please continue so they could work through this.

Instead she concentrated on her work. Auditioned her ass off _. "It did get me that role on Law & Order though_." She thought and shook her head, stopping her mind from drifting off.

Slowly but surely she finally got her breathing under control and took a look at herself in the floor length mirror. If her situation wasn't as depressing as it was right now she would have laughed at her own reflection. She was in her underwear, pantyhose and heels still on. Her dress at her ankles _. Secretly_ it kind of reminded her of her night with Javi. How his cool hands, still cold from the outside weather, touched the warm skin of her back as he slowly pulled the zipper of her dress down, lowering the garment to her hips and then to her feet, how he had placed kisses along her spine as he did so.

God, she wish she could talk to him right now. He would knock some serious sense into her. She hummed. She didn't have his number but she knew where he lived, she could just go and…

" _No Meredith, no,_ " she said to herself out loud " _you can't_ " She couldn't. She shouldn't.

Meredith huffed, not loving herself right now, and wiped the drying tears from her face, her hand smudged black from her mascara as she stepped out of her dress and kicking off her heels.

She's gonna fix this. Apologize.

" _Just how?_ "

* * *

"Alexis, she's already asleep you can stop walking around" Kate tried as she sat on the couch. Her two boys oblivious to what just happened played around her, climbing over her lap, pulling at her shoulders, trying to catch each other. Kate didn't seem to be bothered by it one bit. More than used to her energetic boys using her like living jungle gym.

"I know, I know," Alexis answered. Her voice heavy with emotion as she pulled her sleeping daughter closer to her chest "I had just hoped that… what was she even doing before she stormed off?"

Kate shrugged "I was putting Sophie to bed and when I came back downstairs she was staring at the family pictures," she looked to her side where the pictures were displayed. Some frames were still knocked over "something triggered her, but she was already a bit off when she arrived"

"off?" Castle asked as he walked in. He had stored the groceries in the fridge while listening to their conversation.

"Yeah, well she was quite calm. Reserved... Just different. Not the Meredith I know that's for sure"

Castle nodded and walked past Alexis as he put his hand on her shoulder in support and smiled at his new grandchild for a second before he walked over to the pictures "which one was she looking at?" he asked. Placing the knocked over ones back in their rightful place.

Kate tried to get up from the couch but it was quite impossible with her two squirmy children playing all over her "Jamie, Xander, please" she said as she pulled her five year old sons from her shoulders who kept on playing, probably something to do with pirates, and walked towards her husband "this one, she dropped it" as she grabbed the frame and handed it over to him.

"Ah," he simply answered "that explains a lot"

"Why?" Alexis asked who had joined them. Her baby daughter, Elizabeth, had woken up again and started to whimper. Alexis kept gently bouncing her even though she knew she probably needed to be fed again.

"She never liked this picture, probably didn't like her hair or something. I always kept it because it was the first picture we ever took of you" Castle said smiling as he turned to his now _very_ grown up daughter.

Alexis forced a smile but swallowed back her disappointment.

"Rick, I don't think that's fair. You don't know what happened. Why do you immediately presume it's about her looks?" Kate said irritated.

Castle huffed "oh, come on. It's _Meredith_ "

"You didn't see the panicked look on her face, I'm telling you, it was real"

Alexis shrugged as she lovingly stared at her baby girl who was making more and more of a fuss, her little chubby legs kicking in the air

"It's… whatever. I just don't care anymore. I can't imagine how a mother does not want to be near her child and now that I think of it, I am not sure if I even want to have her near Lizzy here too."

"Alexis-" Kate stammered

"Don't worry Kate. It's ok. I am not a child anymore, it's hard, but I have to accept that my mother will never be… like a real mother, you know. Let alone a grandmother. Besides in my opinion you are the only grandmother for her," as she gently kissed the fussy baby in her arms "oh and of course Mark's mother, don't tell him I said that" she quickly added with a smirk.

"Alexis, it's not that I am not honored. You know I love this baby, and I will gladly step into the role as her grandmother, whatever that means, but she is your mom…"

Alexis just shrugged in response "I need to feed Lizzy," she simply stated without looking at Kate and instead looked at her father "do I need to help with dinner?"

"No, Pumpkin, me and the boys here will take care of that"

"Ok thanks dad" she answered, a bit monotone, as she made her way upstairs again. Alexis normally didn't have a problem with nursing her baby with her family present, being already used to it as Kate did the same when her brother and sister were still babies, but there was too much tension in the living room right now and her daughter wasn't already the easiest baby when it came to feeding so she chose the rest that her guest room gave her.

Rick placed his hand on Kate's lower back. But she shrugged him off crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"Oh, Kate, come on"

"No Rick, I am not done with you"

"Look, it was just a joke, I-, you haven't lived with her, you don't know what Meredith is like"

"True, but I have been a cop for _many_ years and I know what distress looks like, Rick. She had tears in her eyes"

"- and I trust your judgment, Kate. You know I do. I am just saying that with Meredith… it's never really that deep"

Kate's irritation spiked but before she could answer her husband, she suddenly felt something tugging on her sweater

"Please don't fight" Jamie, one of their twin boys, pleaded.

Kate looked down at her boy whose brother was standing right behind him, always the team, with a questioning look on his face. Kate glared at Rick and kneeled down "we are not fighting, baby" as she brushed his thick hair from his face, making a mental note to get their hair cut soon.

Jamie looked at his father for reassurance

"We are not buddy, now come on," wanting to lift the mood as he playfully grabbed his son, flipping him upside down and putting him over his shoulder. Jamie shrieked in joy as he was suddenly lifted in the air. Their parents 'fight' quickly forgotten

"Let's make dinner for the ship" Castle added, putting on his 'famous' thick pirate accent.

"Me too, dad, me too!" Xander exclaimed.

"Alright matie," Castle answered the boy who was jumping with excitement and picked up his other son, throwing him over his other shoulder. Trying to hide the grunt that escaped him as it was bit of a strain on his sore back. Both boys were screaming in delight as he took them into the kitchen "let's gut some fish!"

Kate couldn't help but smile at them, even though her irritation of her normally quite sensitive husband still lingered.

Castle placed the twins on the high barstools, giving them small tasks which actually had nothing to do with gutting fish, they knew better, while Kate made a quick decision and hurried as she pulled on her camel colored coat.

"Where are you going?" Castle asked surprised as he pre heated the oven.

"Out!" she answered him, tugging her long hair from beneath her shawl.

"Out?" Castle repeated, a frown on his face.

"Yes, out. Don't worry I'll be back before dinner, Sophie is napping by the way, she'll be up in like half an hour"

Castle suddenly realized where his wife was heading "Kate, don't do it"

She glared at him "I have to" and shot him an apologetic smile before closing the front door.

* * *

Quick loud knocks echoed through the hotel room. Meredith barely looked up "whatever it is, no thank you" she shouted at the closed door.

"Meredith it's me,"

It took her a few seconds before she recognized the voice.

"Kate?" she responded. As Rick's perfect wife was the last person she wanted to see or speak right now "what are you doing here?" she shouted once more

"Could you please just open the door?"

Meredith sighed irritated and pulled on one of the fluffy bathrobes her hotel provided before making it to the door, opening it just slightly.

"Meredith, hi" Kate said, an apologetic smile on her face.

She was already irritated by looking at her. There was this pity that showed on her face. "how did you find me?"

Kate shrugged, "I am a cop. I have my resources"

Meredith raised her eyebrow.

"You left your address, remember? Before you came to New York"

"Oh of course" Meredith answered feeling very stupid now.

There was a long silence. Meredith still blocked the door using her body.

"Can I please just come in? We need to talk" Kate said, her hand already on the half opened door.

Meredith sighed deeply "ok, fine"

"Thanks," Kate answered as she quickly made her way into the room "nice room," she commented "must be a nice salary you got from that show"

"Why are you here, Kate" Meredith answered. _Really_ not in the mood for small talk.

Kate took a deep breath. She tried to lift some of the tension but it clearly didn't work so she just cut to the chase "I am really not the person to interfere but I saw the look on your face and I just couldn't let it go"

Meredith sighed "I am _fine_ "

"You sure don't look fine"

Meredith rubbed her eyes. Holding herself back, trying not to be too rude "Honestly, Kate, no offense but, this is none of your business"

Kate nodded "I agree, it's not. But my family is, and Alexis is family and so is Lizzy which makes you too, family"

Meredith let out a frustrated moan "you and I, we are not family, ok"

Kate crossed her arms in front of her chest "fine, we don't have to be. I don't care. But Alexis is your daughter and Elizabeth is your granddaughter and I am just here to warn you"

Meredith rolled her eyes "about what?"

Kate took a deep breath, shifting her weight, knowing she couldn't back off anymore "that you are going to lose them, soon, if you don't do anything about it"

Meredith frowned, a rush of panic shot through her body "what are you talking about?"

"You have to know that I might be damaging Alexis' trust with what I am about to say to you, but after you stormed out -"

"I didn't storm out," Meredith answered defensive "I just had to go"

"Whatever it was, Meredith. She's at a point that she doesn't want you around her or her daughter anymore"

All the remaining color was drained form Meredith's face as she pressed her hand against her stomach trying to keep her breathing under control "what?" she muttered "how do you know? What did she say?"

Kate immediately softened at seeing the panic stricken face of her husband's ex-wife "the specifics aren't important. I just wanted to let you know because I feel like you deserve this chance. I knew there had to be a correlation between that picture you dropped and the way you left"

Meredith wiped the tears from her face that gathered in the corner of her eyes and silently fell down her cheeks "why do you even care, Kate? Wouldn't it be way easier for me to disappear from your life?" she answered furious. Not knowing what to do with herself.

Kate frowned, ignoring the anger radiating from the red head "in theory maybe, but I don't care about easy. Mother's are important. I am one" Kate said as she placed her hand on her heart "and maybe more importantly I _lost_ mine, and the things I'd do to spent just a few more minutes with her…"

Guilt overtook Meredith as she looked at the pained expression on Kate's face. Kate noticed and shook her head "look, look I am not trying to make you feel guilty, really. I just think you deserve a chance to get to know your grandchild"

Meredith only nodded. Her anger and irritation towards the woman in front of her seemed to evaporate.

Kate gave her a faint smile. "Why don't you try and talk to Alexis. Explain whatever happened and stay for Christmas next week, we have room and food more than plenty. Gives you an opportunity to bond?"

"I don't know" Meredith muttered, her stomach twisted in guilt.

"Think about it" Kate said, and softly smiled as she looked at her wristwatch, which was actually last year's Christmas present from her husband, and knew she was going to be late for dinner even though she said she wouldn't "look I really got to go, but here's my number" Kate said giving her a standard issue business card from the precinct and gently touched Meredith's arm.

Meredith didn't look up, just stared at the card that was pushed in her hands. Swallowing back her tears. She really didn't feel like spending Christmas with them, but if it was what it took…

Kate gave her a single nod and left Meredith alone in her hotel room. _Hoping_ she had done the right thing.

* * *

 **If you think Kate's reaction by coming over to talk to Meredith is a bit OOC I understand. Keep in mind that this is set in the future and Kate already has three kids which turned her a bit more into a mother bear :) you think Kate did good by coming over or not? Let me know!**


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